Stroller Strides Can Kiss My Ass

this sign is posted here, and on my womb

So I am taking my usual 5:30 am walk, and by "usual" I mean, everyone in this house gets up at the crack of dawn (as if we own a farm or something and have to 'tend to things') and I am groggily wandering my way through my EXTREMELY suburban park when I notice my arch nemeses just across the grass.  STROLLER STRIDES.  These bitches have annoyed me since I first moved to this shit town, and they have been annoying the hell out of me ever since.  

I can't exercise without taking my eyes off you!

Imagine this parade of screaming unhappy women and babies headed your way at five a.m.

These women apparently cannot exercise without incorporating their children.  They are screaming and laughing as loudly as possible, bumping Skrillex or Sheryl Crow (both get me motivated, I don't know about you) and basically counting down incessantly to what I hope is an apocalypse that will remove them from my life.  

Today, just like everyday, they watch me.  I do not live in the heart of the city, I don't live in a city, period.  I live in a subdivision, inside a "city" which may as well just be one giant subdivision with one bad area where you can score drugs and possibly get your bike stolen.  No Last 48 (as much as I love that show) was ever filmed here, we don't have a vegan restaurant and most people think the loss of Coldwater Creek at the strip mall was the biggest controversy we will face.

I digress.  When these women are staring at me, they are also giving me the stinkiest eye possible.  They look at my tattoos, my weight, my clothes, my sunglasses...and probably the shirt I am usually wearing that reads, "Sorry for being a dick.  Not."  I might want to rethink the dog walk wardrobe, but why the hell should I?  The sun is coming up for god's sake and I'd rather eat a bag of glass than be outside, but I love my dogs.

This morning, I brought all my proper "doggie bags" with me, as I have three pups, and subsequently the waste management is integral.  Plus, I am not one of those people who pretends they don't see their dog taking a giant dump, and just walking away like you've just spotted Julie Andrews twirling in a field.  Guess what buddy?  Because of you, that field is filled with dog shit.

As I was walking, my dog Piddle was having some "gastric distress" and had already used her bag and more...and was still continuing to go.  I was out of bags, tissues, anything.  It was mostly runny, so I thought it would be okay to just leave the endtrails behind.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, some ridiculous, stroller-toting bitch starts talking shit to me from 200 yards away, completely ACROSS THE PARK.  

HER:

"Are you going to pick that up???"  I can hear her telling her other "striders", "Look, she's not even picking it up, Oh my god.  How gross."

ME:

"I'm sorry, my dog has diarrehea from listening to your shitty music and looking at all your sports bras.  I can bring her over to you and have her wipe her ass on your yoga mat if you want?"

HER:

"EXCUSE ME?"

ME:

"Yeah, or on one of your yoga balls that you stupid bitches leave here while you jog.  See if there are here when you come back next time.  Maybe I will have all my dogs piss on them, considering this is a public park, you have no license to use it and your loud music is also a noise violation."

HER:

(Crickets)

ME:

"Have a great day!  Wake me up again, talk shit to me again or even look at me again and I will call the cops and the city.  Have fun staring at your babies and looking like fools!  And by the way, FUCK YOU."

 

A part of me wants to sign up, just so I can bring this doll with me as my "baby" and put him in a shopping cart instead of a stroller and be like..."What?  Let's do this.  I want to exercise.  THE DEMON."

"This is my adorable son, Damien.  Nice to meet you"