Kirbee Lawler and My Sad Attempt at Trying to Emulate Jess Elaine

Okay here's me trying to do the "sexy" "Jess-Elaine-leg-twist", which basically makes me look constipated.
 shoes: Minnetonka Moccasin skirt and top: Target bracelet: heirloom pendant: black & bronze brooch: Kirbee Lawler
Here's my usual face lately: anger.

So, if you're familiar with my blog, you will know what a huge fan I am of Jess Elaine and The Jess Elaine Project, so when I recently did a Google hangout with her, I was immediately jealous of her polka dot blouse.  Of course, I had to find one of my own.  Obviously, I don't look as adorable as she does in it, but I was trying to channel her during this photo-shoot.  I did a very poor job.

I got my brooch from Kirbee Lawler, and it could not be more gorgeous.  Even her packaging was precious!  I felt like all this wooden jewelry definitely warranted the comfort of my new Minnetonkas, like slipping on a sweet pair of clouds.  If only they could fly me away from here.

My usual Wednesday series, The Constants, will return next week.  Tomorow I have plans to go to the Orange County Fair and see ZZ Top.  I know y'all are on the edge of your seats for that one!  John and I are going to fill our faces with fried goodness and then rock out to the double meaning of the song "Pearl Necklace."  Don't worry, I will have my handy camera ready to document the beauty that is my pale face and my death grip on the tram, as we ride across the fair.  John is in for a hell of a treat.

A Girl, Her Glasses and Professor Snape

shoes and jeans: Target tank top: Passive Juice Motel mustache scarf: Francesca's brooch: Depeapa glasses: Rivet and Sway clutch: Hoakan Helga rings: Jorgenson Studio plugs: Body Jewelry Source
This scarf is one of my favorite new accessories, as it is both mint, and subtlety mustached. These are two of my favorite things.  I also ADORE these shoes, as well as all things Potter, so of course I had to had this tank top.

My brooch was ordered from Spain, I know I showed you how eerily it resembled my John, so I am so happy to have it in my hot little hand.

I wanted to make sure to show off one of my favorite pieces from Hoakan Helga, one of the very first Etsy shops I ever patronized, and it's owner, Andi, is quite the big deal.  Her handmade business is the epitome of what handmade sucess can be, and she is kind enough to teach e-courses to kickstart sellers.  Her website and blog, Made by Andi, is a great place to start if you are looking to turn your Etsy shop into a full-time career.  Her bags move quick, so be sure to visit her shop ASAP!
Always.  Looking like a tool.

First obligatory head tilt with the new glasses.
This clutch is made from a vintage leather jacket.  Nothing could be cooler.

Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring

glasses c/o: Rivet and Sway jewelry: black &bronze shirt: New York and Company skirt: Target clutch: Oikos Handmade boots: Minnetonka plugs: Body Jewelry Resource
How.  My people covet accessories and self-portraits.  No, we don't have any pelts or wampum. 

This beauty from Oikos Handmade, custom designed by Kimberly Ragsdale herself, is literally my new best friend.
Can you tell I am stoked on my new glasses from Rivet and Sway?

Damn pendants, always turning around and shit.

All beauties, except my ring, are from black and bronze.  My ring is from Jorgenson Studio.

I just want to say a special "thank you" to Kimberly Ragsdale, from Oikos Handmade, for making me the clutch of my dreams.  That little minx teased me with black and white photos for weeks, and now I know why.  It is perfect in every way!

Secondly, the ULTIMATE gratitude goes to Rivet and Sway, as well as Brittany Gibbons of Brittany, Herself.  Not only did I get to participate in the most awesome accessory panel of all time, but I got the sweetest pair of glasses out of it!  More importantly, the whole experience made me feel so good.  Not only did I feel like a "real blogger" but I could not believe that someone who is such a prolific writer (Brittany) and such an awesome company (Rivet and Sway) wanted anything to do with little old me.  With all I have been dealing with lately, it was just what I needed!

I hope you love this denim shirt as much as I do.  I am starting to become overwhelmed with fear that I am turning into one of those old ladies who like...actually shops at New York and Company.

The Handmade Tale

Remember The Handmaid's Tale?
Once upon a time, I found a company that sold dresses.  The dresses were the most beautiful ones I had ever seen, but sadly, the only way for me to "see" these dresses was through the Internet, either by looking in their Etsy store, or on their Instagram feed.  They looked painstakingly made, it seemed that the craftsmanship was very important to the owners, and I was impressed.  So, I decided to order one of their dresses.

I fully realized the dress would be made from scratch, so the turn around time would be five to six weeks, according to the site.  I ordered the dress on February 20th, I received it March 9th.  Hello quickness!  I was impressed by their speed, but when I opened the box, I was not impressed by the quality.  The dress had a tear in the side, and several pieces of the hem were already fraying.  I chalked this up to the fact that the item was on sale, and that perhaps this was why.  I ended up giving it away to my hairdresser, whose mom is a seamstress and could fix the issues.  This dress cost me sixty-two dollars, including shipping.

I wore this dress on my blog, and even ordered accessories to match it, which came quickly as well.  I received nothing for free and in no way was endorsed by them, but I wanted to get the word out there about their small business, so I tried to advertise for them no matter what it cost me.

I then decided to place ANOTHER order, this time for a dress I had a "special need" on.  I wanted this dress, but just with a different color paneling, one which I messaged the seller about, making sure I made note of the slight change.  This order was placed on February 24th.  I received it on April 4th.  Just shy of the six week mark, I was beginning to worry, but I could tell the sellers were extremely busy, so I tried to understand. 

The second order of dresses were just as sheer and as poorly made as the ones I had received before.  The simple change I had asked to be made was obviously ignored, because the dress came as sold.  Included in the package was an extra dress, which had a huge tear in it, subsequently leaving the sleeve hanging in the breeze. Never being one to "look a gift horse in the mouth" I decided to accept the dress as a "gift" and not complain. This mistake cost me sixty dollars as well.  I ended up sending the one I paid for to my best friend's daughter.  She uses it for dress up.

One day, surfing EBay, I saw a tattoo gun that was the EXACT same shape as their logo.  I thought, "How perfect!" and snatched it up right away, it wasn't expensive, and I was hoping myself and my BFF would be able to build a beautiful shadowbox and put it in there for them, in hopes it would decorate their new studio.  I shipped it to her to build, as a thank-you to them.  She too is a huge fan of their dresses, and she and I often would gush over their stuff.

The final order for a dress (for myself) and a shirt (for the man) was placed at the end of March.  I did not get them until the end of May.  This mistake was almost one-hundred and ten dollars.  

I do not have the exact dates of shipment because the seller has removed the transaction from Etsy, as my money was refunded and the store was then closed.  

When I decided to finally contact the seller about the lateness of the order (something I had never done before) I was very upset, and rightfully so.  I felt I had every right to ask questions, since the whole situation was starting to get ridiculous.  The response I received was UNBELIEVABLE.

I won't get into all that here, but let's just say that I have never been treated so horribly by someone I have given my hard-earned money and love to, in all my life.  I apologized about the situation/attitudes thrown and the whole thing was squashed...or so I thought.

Upon receiving my final order, the one that caused so much controversy, I was appalled.  I was promised that the reason my dress was taking so long was AND I QUOTE, "something special is being done to it."  When I opened the box, same old dress from the website, but lucky me...this one had a hole in it.  Not only that, the dresses were tossed into their packaging, with no tissue or protection whatsoever.  Basically telling me, "I don't care about you, or your order."
John's shirt on the other hand, was embarrassing to say the least.  HE NEVER EVEN GOT TO WEAR IT.  Within ten minutes of him trying it on, it tore in FIVE PLACES.  We were standing still, for fuck's sake.  Imagine wearing that thing out, people who think you were The Hulk.  

I was beyond mortified, because the shirt was meant as a birthday gift, and here it was, months late and falling apart.  I was so embarrassed, so I contacted the seller, explained the situation, and told them I had no choice but to ask for a refund.  I told them I would send the dresses back as soon as possible.

I was never sent a letter, an email or anything regarding this.  Apparently they just immediately refunded the money to my VISA gift card I used, so now it will take me forty-five days to prove my identity, the gift card's original purchase, track the card and then write me a check.  I wish we could of just had a conversation so I could have said, "but please don't use that card, use my PayPal, etc."  I have yet to see that money, so when I do, I will let you know.

I wish we could of just had a civil conversation, period.

Well there was a "conversation" all right.  When I was sick, I could not take charge of the blog.  I had a bunch of older "back-up" posts, and I just threw them up there, not really thinking about anything.  Apparently, it irritated this seller to no end that I had posted pictures of me wearing their dress and crediting them as "dress:who cares".  Well fuckers, that's how you made me feel, and had I not had a bleeding ulcer and been in the hospital with insane anxiety I might have noticed that and changed it.  But WHY would I do something like that for someone who has been so rude to me?  Customer service was non-existent, you guys sold me a bunch of crap and now you are mad because I used an old post because I'm on my deathbed?!?!   If you're so experienced with "blogging" then you will know that ninety-percent of bloggers have pre-written posts, just in case.

They openly mocked me, told me that they had READERS who had reported me, that I needed to send those dresses back right away.  Hello, it was an OLD POST.  I don't want to wear your crap anyway.  The funny thing is, I sent those dresses back the moment I got that email, and I have YET to receive my refund, that's not their fault, but it does make me extremely nervous.

I promised the sellers I would give them a tracking number, but why would I pay extra to ship priority when they did not make me a priority?  Wait, why do I have to even send them back?  So you can see the shreds of fabric and know you suck?  I DID NOT send them priority, I sent them the cheapest way possible, in fact, I wrapped them up just the way they a piece of shit.  So, enjoy.  

The thing y'all are probably curious about is why I would make my IG private because of all this hoopla.  Well, I'm tired of seeing people and sellers I support (and they know I do) get these HUGE care packages from them, which is basically like a slap in the face to me.  These people don't blog, they don't advertise and they didn't spend all their time hyping you up.  Are you just trying to be mean?  I don't get it.  I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt just because I feel handmade sellers need to be just as accountable as Big Box retailers when it comes to customer service.  I have had so many wonderful experiences with handmade sellers, I don't understand the need to be nasty.

I could get all intense, and show you email copies and plead my case (my law background rears its' ugly head) but I won't.  I just want to warn my readers to be very, very careful who they give their heart and their money to.  On that insane note, have a wonderful Friday!  I am so excited to eat dinner with my Mustache Man and wear my new Rivet and Sway glasses!

Stroller Strides Can Kiss My Ass

this sign is posted here, and on my womb
So I am taking my usual 5:30 am walk, and by "usual" I mean, everyone in this house gets up at the crack of dawn (as if we own a farm or something and have to 'tend to things') and I am groggily wandering my way through my EXTREMELY suburban park when I notice my arch nemeses just across the grass.  STROLLER STRIDES.  These bitches have annoyed me since I first moved to this shit town, and they have been annoying the hell out of me ever since.  
I can't exercise without taking my eyes off you!
Imagine this parade of screaming unhappy women and babies headed your way at five a.m.
These women apparently cannot exercise without incorporating their children.  They are screaming and laughing as loudly as possible, bumping Skrillex or Sheryl Crow (both get me motivated, I don't know about you) and basically counting down incessantly to what I hope is an apocalypse that will remove them from my life.  

Today, just like everyday, they watch me.  I do not live in the heart of the city, I don't live in a city, period.  I live in a subdivision, inside a "city" which may as well just be one giant subdivision with one bad area where you can score drugs and possibly get your bike stolen.  No Last 48 (as much as I love that show) was ever filmed here, we don't have a vegan restaurant and most people think the loss of Coldwater Creek at the strip mall was the biggest controversy we will face.

I digress.  When these women are staring at me, they are also giving me the stinkiest eye possible.  They look at my tattoos, my weight, my clothes, my sunglasses...and probably the shirt I am usually wearing that reads, "Sorry for being a dick.  Not."  I might want to rethink the dog walk wardrobe, but why the hell should I?  The sun is coming up for god's sake and I'd rather eat a bag of glass than be outside, but I love my dogs.

This morning, I brought all my proper "doggie bags" with me, as I have three pups, and subsequently the waste management is integral.  Plus, I am not one of those people who pretends they don't see their dog taking a giant dump, and just walking away like you've just spotted Julie Andrews twirling in a field.  Guess what buddy?  Because of you, that field is filled with dog shit.

As I was walking, my dog Piddle was having some "gastric distress" and had already used her bag and more...and was still continuing to go.  I was out of bags, tissues, anything.  It was mostly runny, so I thought it would be okay to just leave the endtrails behind.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, some ridiculous, stroller-toting bitch starts talking shit to me from 200 yards away, completely ACROSS THE PARK.  

"Are you going to pick that up???"  I can hear her telling her other "striders", "Look, she's not even picking it up, Oh my god.  How gross."

"I'm sorry, my dog has diarrehea from listening to your shitty music and looking at all your sports bras.  I can bring her over to you and have her wipe her ass on your yoga mat if you want?"


"Yeah, or on one of your yoga balls that you stupid bitches leave here while you jog.  See if there are here when you come back next time.  Maybe I will have all my dogs piss on them, considering this is a public park, you have no license to use it and your loud music is also a noise violation."


"Have a great day!  Wake me up again, talk shit to me again or even look at me again and I will call the cops and the city.  Have fun staring at your babies and looking like fools!  And by the way, FUCK YOU."
A part of me wants to sign up, just so I can bring this doll with me as my "baby" and put him in a shopping cart instead of a stroller and be like..."What?  Let's do this.  I want to exercise.  THE DEMON."
"This is my adorable son, Damien.  Nice to meet you"


Yup, it's Wednesday again and it's time for another installment of my series, The Constants.  This is basically where I fangirl out over blogs I love, in hopes that my small efforts here in my small blog world lead my readers to be as educated or charmed by them as I am.

This week I decided to focus on my favorite bloggers that I constantly fawn over, because I feel these ladies are sending the right messages, helping us love ourselves and accept our bodies.  I wish I lived down the street from all of them, because I'd definitely be raiding their closets, forcing them to go thrifting we me, and of something yummy.

I wandered this weird world of blogs for awhile, and until I found of few of these ladies, I had no idea where I fit in.  Not only am I proud to be a "plus-size" blogger, but the sense of community I feel amongst those in the body acceptance "blog world" is like a family.

I want to thank these ladies for pointing my way and guiding me to where I belong.  There's a lot of self-doubt involved when I blog, and every time I am unsure, I check in on them and I know I am doing the right thing.

Jes is my God.  Her style, her brash honesty and progressive action for us plus-size girls is awe-inspiring.  I think she is one of the most beautiful people I have seen, and her kindness knows no bounds.  I am constantly dropping my jaw over her posts, whether it's her razor sharp wit, her drop-dead beauty or her dead-set determination to change this world.

If Jes is my idol, Amanda is my style guru.  Whenever I doubt whether or not I can pull something off (maxi skirt) or if I am questioning my obsession with glasses (instead of shoes or bags) she makes me feel like a best friend/confidant.  Every time I get dressed I wish I could pull one of those Clueless moments where you pull your outfit up on the computer screen, to see if it looks alright...instead I would just email it to her for her approval.

 Even though I'm thirty-two years old, if someone was to ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I would say, "have you heard of Margie Ashcroft???"  I have been following her writing FOREVER, and viewing her style is a constant moment of me smacking my head and saying, "why didn't I think of that?"  The reason:  I'm not her.  Her life seems so beautiful and fun, jet-setting as a bi-coastal, freelance, plus-size maven.  She is my She-Ra.  I dread/pray for the day I may run into her and pull a Wayne's World  style "I'M NOT WORTHY!!!"

Again, thanks for indulging my gushing, and please check out three of the most beautiful, talented and inspiring ladies one could ever have the pleasure to read.


Comfort Zone: Alli's Top TEN Jams for Feeling Like Kicking Some Ass

Lately I have been having a real bout with my anxiety.  I have been having a vast improvement this week, and I must say it has a lot to do with a sweet work schedule, the idea that I will be moving very soon, and of course, the fact that I have watched the Catching Fire trailer like six-hundred times already. 

One thing that always makes me feel better is music.  And, as so aptly mentioned by Mr. Pablo H., I need to "write about music more often!"  Music is one, if not THE strongest passions I have.  I have an uncanny ability to name songs, obscure musicians, bands and random affiliations at the drop of a dime.  No, I don't care about Bon Iver.  John is the resident indie rock expert here, and if you have heard of such things as Xiu Xiu and whatever band the guy from Spoon and that other guy from Wolf Parade are in, please see him.  He can tell you all about it.   

I am a Pop Princess, thank you very much.  I was crowned somewhere around 1980, and my title has never been in question.  However, my knowledge seems to hit a block around the early 2000s, particularly when my drug use peaked.  Coincidence?  I think not. 

Today I decided a guilty pleasure was in order, because I don't know about you, but I'm sick of these ADORABLE outfit posts on this blog.  You?  I decided to share with you my 
The Scissor Sisters: Let's Have a KiKi
Yeah, we all know I love the Scissor Sisters.  Yeah, I love every song on every album.  Yeah, this video rules on about 1,000 levels.  Yeah, I know all the steps to dance.  So what?

Nine Inch Nails: Gave Up
I am a child of the nineties, I mean, I was born in ,'80 but I did not come of age until I saw this man play live.  Pay careful attention to this video, you may recognize a few faces in it.  By the way, Trent Reznor is still my God after all these years, soundtracks or not.  AND...HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW ALBUM???

INXS: Suicide Blonde
I don't want to talk about how he died or what could have been.  It's too sad.  I just need to know why there are not more saxophone solos in music anymore. 

The Misfits: Hybrid Moments
One time in Hollywood, Gina and I saw Glen Danzig inside a grocery store.  I thought, "Man, that guy looks like Glen Danzig."  Then, when he paid, I saw the pentagram tattoo on his hand.  LIFE COMPLETE.

Ice Cube: Check Yo Self
"Phone check homie."

The Kills: U.R.A. Fever
Allison Mosshart rules my world.  No matter if it's Dead Weather or this band, she makes me want to grow my hair out, not wash it, live on coffee, cigarettes and eyeliner and just not give a general fuck.

Culture Club: It's a Miracle
Boy George is still a guru of mine.  I don't care how many times he gets arrested or how much coke he does, I adore him.  In fact, I am hoping that when I hone my sewing skills I can make a Boy George doll.  Yes, I'm serious.

The Smiths: Still Ill
There's a reason I have the words "Still Ill" tattooed on my back.  Not only is it one of my favorite Smiths' songs, but makes me look badass.

 Ludacris: Southern Hospitality
Get on the floor, and throw 'dem bows.  This is the song I hear when I get rude emails.  Then I channel Luda and write y'all back!

Morrissey: Tomorrow
Yes, of course we will end with Daddy.  He, and only he can fix my bad days, understands me when I'm down, and either forces me back up...or further under the covers with a good book.

I hope y'all enjoyed this little peak into my world of getting pumped up.  If you have some favorites share away!  Unless it's Matchbox Twenty or anything like Train or Maroon 5.  Then please seek help.  OH!  I forgot one.

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance With Somebody
I guess this really makes eleven, but I have to give it to my girl.  I miss her crazy ass.  This one's for you, Des!

Birds of a Feather

dress: one clothing shoes: Target glasses: ZenniOptical pendant: black&bronze plugs: Body Jewelry Source

Having Sunday off was a really weird experience, but a very productive one.  I was SO EXCITED to order my specs from Rivet and Sway!  After the Google hangout, I have been on the edge of my seat to see their new collection AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE.  Did you guys watch?  Did you see those giant eggplant frames???  They will be mine.

John and I enjoyed being able to watch True Blood together, as well as the superior walk-off homerun courtesy of Mr. Mike Napoli, that led to a magnificent victory against the Yankees.  Go Sox! You girls have your kids, I have my sports.

On that note, I hope you all were able to meet and follow my friend Jess, from The Jess Elaine Project.  I was lucky enough to meet her on our hangout, and since then, I have been (to use her words) "obsessed with her vibe."  I encourage you to visit her blog, it is one of my constant pleasures, as well as laughs.  Not only is she gorgeous, she is hilarious.  I love that combo.

I am so grateful to all of my wonderful friends I have met through blogging, I am constantly surprised by the support and love I get everyday from my readers.  I want you all to know that when I am am at my best and at my worst, it is your love that keeps me going.

This week, I hope to be sharing some more "everyday life" peeks and pictures, as well as some awesome stories from my college years.  I hope you love whatever strange hula move I am making in this first picture, because now that I look at it, I can't stop laughing.

Hold on, John just showed me some pictures from the new American Horror Story:Coven.  I just passed out.


Okay, here's the deal.  I worship this girl, and if you do not get in on her action, I will be very, very upset.  You may know her from my recent (and first) Google hangout, we're talking about Jess, from THE JESS ELAINE PROJECT.

The name of my blog is The Jess Elaine, and it can be found at  Jess is my first name and Elaine is my middle. Very Un-exciting, I know. You'd better watch out, I'm wild.

The inspiration for my blogging, is my huge mouth and the fact that most people tire of my awkward stories and life experiences. My blog is a great outlet, especially since my husband and I moved to a new city, where I didn't have a ton of friends. Sorry internet, but you are totally stuck with me. 

Honestly, I'm a bit of a self loather, so I don't really have a favorite post, but this one will do I suppose . Topless at a children's splash park. It really is a must read. 

I have two kids that I stay home with, so my day usually starts the night before, never sleeping and constantly saying stuff like "no" and "don't touch that". The rest of my day is spent anticipating getting things done, but never actually doing them. Somewhere in there I blog and spend too much time on social media. 

My favorite band would be anything other than Yo Gabba Gabba and The Wiggles. I dig anything that remotely sounds like an adult singing it. Fitz and the Tantrums are in my Ipod right now. My favorite color is Blue. Or red. And sometimes Black. I guess I can't pick just one. My favorite drink is wine. Oh wait, is this supposed to be family friendly? I mean my favorite drinks are Hugs (with vodka). 

I have two children, Theodore who is 3 and Elliot who is 1 and a half. They are seriously the cutest. But I get it, I'm totally biased. You can be the judge. 

My favorite blogs (besides Okay, Allison of course) would have to be Brittany, Herself ( I just love the whole love yourself for who you are/ make me laugh my nuts off combo. It's a win-win. 

I also adore fashion, puppies (even though we don't have one), red lipstick, and I've been known to drop a few curse words here and there. What can I say, I'm quite the rebel.

Jess is beautiful both inside and out, and her blog is amazing.  She recently changed her domain name, so...if you head on over to her blog and give her a comment and follow, one of HER lucky new readers will receive a hand-crocheted dickie, which is a fancy word for collar!  It is one of my first projects and I am very proud.  All you have to do is complete the above and we will raffle it off at the end of the week!  Just tell her I sent ya!