No, I am Not A Licensed Therapist

"No, it really IS me."

This couple at the bar tonight are legendary.  They come in, probably post cocktails at home, and the guy is SUCH an asshole to his wife that it is impossible for me to ignore.  There are a couple pairs of people who like to do this at the bar top, and it makes me so sad. I never know what to do or say, and I feel so awkward...because OBVIOUSLY it has now become my business. 

The cutest part of the whole process is when the guy or girl goes to the restroom, and the other person decides that it is time to dump their issues on me.  This is one of the many times I wish I spoke only Spanish.  I feel obligated to get more drinks for the person, primarily because it buys me time in having to listen, and the activity makes it hard to hear.

why don't you cry about your life choices in a more "private" setting

Look lady, I'm sorry your husband is a dick.  I can't give you anything for free (shots) just because you guys bought a Harley and now he won't teach you how to drive it.  I'm sorry he's mean to you and won't let you order mashed potatoes.  He's drinking Stoli Razz for fuck's sake, obviously he's a douche.  Get a divorce.

"You're right, he is HOT."

What do I do when someone shows me a picture of their new "boyfriend" and she is like...forty and this guy looks like Father Time?  Am I supposed to be excited about that???  She's telling me, "he gets me, we're on the same page..." holy shit woman he gets you alright, he will get you to...nevermind.

I hear rad things at the bar top, and I meet some rad people.  I have embarrassed myself several times either singing to my guests, calling them "Mommy", or just bringing them drinks when they haven't ordered one (yeah they pay for them but I know they want another one already, even before they do) and of course, telling people things they probably could of lived their whole lives without hearing.


"I could never eat that sauce, I'd be in the bathroom for two and a half days."

"I don't like wine, so you can ask me whatever and I'm going to say Savignon Blanc."

"Do you like things that taste good?  Then don't order that."

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