Some of the best moments in my career as the "chubby-funny-girl" included the time I was forced to eat rabbit feces. I know what you're thinking...how could that be a "best?" Well apparently, you weren't in Ms. Zacher's class.
Ms. (and yes I mean MS.) Zacher was that teacher. She would drive in from the mountains with snow on the rooftop of her SUV and let us chuck it at each other. We often would discuss topics that had NOTHING to do with AP English Lit, and I am pretty sure she loved it.
Our required reading for that class was in a word: torturous. Now that I look back on it as an adult, I realize she was asking us to read and discuss some pretty awesome books. The problem is high school sophomores DGAF about obscure poetry from from the seventies. They can rent To Kill A Mockingbird, and there were Cliff's Notes for just about everything she asked us to read. Therefore, we had A LOT of down time.
The class itself could have been an early episode of MTV's The Real World. I had my awkward-nerdy-ska-friend, my I-cut-myself friend, my totally-closeted friend, and of course, Justin. Justin was that guy that knew about Nine Inch Nails before anybody else. He was often prone to spout awesome hysterical nonsense, or draw some intense picture that probably had satanic undertones. It also did not hurt that he was very good looking.
One day, we had a bit of a "break" and decided to take it on the mound of the softball field. I'm not sure why Ms. Zacher wasn't more concerned that we were more than one hundred yards away from the classroom, or if she even had a clue. I decided to take a seat on top of a little hill, covered in rabbit droppings. I pointed this out to Justin. That's when the fun began.
I'm not sure how it started, or why, but Justin recruited some of my pals to hold me down and shove the rabbit shit into my mouth. The problem was not my gagging, but the fact that I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to choke. It LITERALLY killed me, I was busting the gut of a lifetime. Everyone involved was dying too, barely able to hold me down while I spit a combination of grass and delicious rabbit feces out of my mouth.
It was then Zacher spotted us, and started to motion for us to return. When asked what had occurred, and why we were all besides ourselves with laughter, Justin answered, "Oh nothing, Alli just ate some shit."
|Shoes and jeans: Target top: thrifted necklace: thrifted glasses: Rivet and Sway|
|I'm attempting the "pony", which has NOTHING to do with twerking.|
|And then I threw some jazz hands in...|
|Then proceeded to throw some 'bows. Yup, I'm an idiot.|
|This is when John insists I stop dancing like a fool.|
|I love the combination of these two, and I adore the "bow" on this blouse.|
Regardless, then she got angry when I decided to rescind my invitation, thinking I was annoying her. She then got even more bitchy and announced: "Homie don't play that." I literally had to read it THREE TIMES. You know, because it's not 1992. Then I proceeded to explain, "Hey, you seemed pissed...so I left you alone."
After explaining how "easy-going" she is after this "misunderstanding" she decides to blow my page up with a bunch of bullshit about how Blurred Lines is a misogynistic song with "rapey" undertones. I had to take my status down, it was so offensive to me. Y'all read my post yesterday, where I stood up for myself, and my opinions, ahem...which are MY RIGHTS.
Guess who decided to block me from FB? I'm assuming because I spoke about being a REAL victim of sexual assault, not one who likes to throw words around because I consider myself a "feminist." Maybe instead of blocking me you could apologize for acting like an asshole. Oh wait, I am expecting adult behavior from someone who doesn't even use their real name on Facebook. Good luck, Kitty Kat Klaws. I don't tolerate bitches, or maybe to make it easier for you to understand, I'll use your terminology: "Homie don't play that."
|dress and shoes: Ross mystery bin glasses: ZenniOptical plugs: BJR nameplate necklace: Black Heart Creatives|
|Yup, this is what I'm doing ALL DAY.|
|Black Heart Creatives killed it!!!|
Said tummy has not since rumbling or sadly, exploding, since. Therefore I am left with no other choice than to crack open the plastic on one of my new prize possessions, Girls: Season Two, and spend my day enjoying the best show ever, on my new HUGE flat screen my lovely brother gifted me. I will also be enjoying my new books, ABeautiful Mess: Photo Idea Book by Emma Chapman and Elsie Larson of A Beautiful Mess, as well as Blog, INC. by Joy Cho.
I want to improve both my photos and my blog skills, so I am attempting to gather new ideas from good places. Look, my parents did not let me take Art or Photo. I had AP classes to worry about, and besides "classes like that get you nowhere." I'd say a best-selling book, a best-selling app and a blog empire aren't NOWHERE.
I have known people to be negative towards ABM, and I just don't understand why. It was one of the first blogs I ever read, along with the gorgeous Kaelah Bee, (ahem...secret project alert) and ever since I have learned of this GOMI phenomenon, I just get sick when I think about how much that website has hurt people I love and care about, as well as bloggers I respect. To see that Forbes listed it on it's 100 Best Websites for Women I about barfed, and then I almost made a pilgrimage to the author's house, to punch HER in the face. I just do not get all this negativity. It really makes me sad, especially when it is woman against woman. Can't we all just get along?
Oh, also...this dress rules and will be the newest addition to an area of my closet I lovingly refer to as the "Lena Section." You know, rompers...pattern rompers, tropical rompers, and of course, these rad collared dresses. I think my obsession is full on Yolanda Saldivar now, if there was ever any question before.
If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom.
|dress: One Clothing shoes: Target belt: vintage bag: Fern and Fox Goods glassses: ZenniOptical plugs: BJR|
|"What's your problem, ese?"|
|And a whole lot of it too...|
Yesterday I made the mistake of asking what the hell Robin Thicke did to deserve such backlash. I mean, I get the Miley thing but...everyone seemed to be more upset with him. "Oh he should of moved away...he was wearing a muffin man suit (!?!WTF)...someone even said that 'Blurred Lines' was a misogynistic song, calling it "rapey".
Okay, let me just stop you right there. As a victim of sexual assault, I take extreme offense to that. A song referring to good girls getting nasty, "try to get past me" does not equate to "I am going to hold you down and force my penis inside of you." Trust me, the song makes me feel good, the sexual abuse I endured for years did not. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but unless you have been raped, I don't think throwing that term around, especially in reference to a pop song, which can and always are interpreted different ways (just like any art-form) is acceptable.
I am not going to talk about the "Disney Child Stars" and their lack of childhood, their almost pathological series of psychotic events, from shaving one's head to self-mutilation to...well I am not sure how to describe what is going on with poor Amanda Bynes. I just feel bad for them. When I was watching Miley up there, I thought, "Damn, I wish I was twenty again so I could act like a fool. This girl has no idea what the hell life is really about, but she will...she will. Being young and REALLY stupid is just part of life." I mean, have we all forgotten eighties Madonna dry humping the stage in a wedding dress? Wait, have we forgotten like...anything Madonna ever did?
Then I saw all the Billy Ray memes on IG saying "I should of had an abortion," or "I should have pulled out." I thought, that's too much. Imagine seeing a picture of your own father with that caption. I'm sure we could of made a million hilarious memes of my dad after I got arrested, but we didn't...because that's humiliating and embarrassing enough.
I had to take my status down because while I was bartending my phone would not STOP. I consider myself a feminist, but apparently the "feminist police" were hot on my trail, making sure to let me know that my acceptance of Robin, and (god forbid) me thinking he is hot, which by the way, HE IS, was "appalling." Thanks fem-cops. I guess I will appear in your courts on the date printed on my citation.
In the meantime, let's discuss something that is definitely more important than all the garbage above. Fern and Fox Goods are the makers of this awesome tote I am sporting and what they are doing with their business is amazing. "Fern & Fox Goods is a small production screen printing shop started by best friends Andrea Jalaty and Theresa Holden. They first "met" while in the womb and their moms grapevined together through pre-natal aerobics class. Each Fern & Fox item is designed and hand-printed by these two in their hometown of Napa Valley.
Now please get ready for my next outfit shoot where I will be wearing a bathing suit made out of Teddy Ruxpin, then I will rip it off to reveal my flesh-colored onesie. Get ready, it's going to be hot.
PS: Today I am being featured over on the gorgeous blog, Rose Runs Wild , in her new series, "The Growing." Please stop by and read a personal story very close to my heart.
|Downtown Los Angeles, in all it's glory.|
|I used to crawl into this delightful "LA river" and watch my boyfriend draw murals. It smells like...disappointment.|
|This first stretch of PCH is something I drove EVERYDAY for five years. The nostalgia killed me.|
|The edge of Ocean Boulevard in Santa Monica, as seen from lower PCH. This fence is a serious Santa Monica icon.|
|Turn right, and you're in Pacific Palisades. Turn left, and your car crashes into six hundred beach-goers.|
|Just a little bit of "local" culture. When I was in college, we bought drugs at the newsstand. Oh how things have changed.|
|This is the beautiful Samantha. She is the daughter of one of my oldest, dearest friends, Genevieve. Could there be a more beautiful child?|
|Throughout the trip I would yell, "LOOK! It's so-and-so's house!" John was like..."I have no idea where I am and this road seems to go on forever." What?!?! You don't want to see where Lou Adler lives? You'd rather pay attention to the road?|
|Looking at Santa Monica from Malibu. They call this area the "diamond necklace" because at night it lights up as such.|
|Old school seafood, shells on the floor, seagulls at your table and the wind in your hair. I miss every moment of it.|
The weather could not have been more perfect. I think John was a little nervous about the drive, it is a rather difficult road to navigate if you're not used to the million of tourists and entitled assholes in Lamborghinis. We managed to visit with my old boss and dear friend John, as well as see one of my nearest and dearest, Gen and her beautiful family. I only wish we could have stayed longer. In fact we SHOULD of stayed longer.
It took us THREE HOURS from the Dodger Stadium exit on the 110 freeway, just to climb up this massive ravine (which took two of the three hours), to be screamed at by cops to "GO! GO! GO!", just to find out THERE WAS NO PARKING. People that were turning around would not even tell us what was going on. I was astounded. Having arrived three hours early, we thought for sure we would be there for the AT LEAST the second inning. Now, it was the sixth.
No one told us where to park, people were leaving their cars in tow away zones, on strictly "NO PARKING" streets in the LOVELY area surrounding the stadium, or as one kind cop FINALLY told us, we could park at Union Station, and take a shuttle. It was now the seventh inning. We turned around, and went home.
Now it's no secret how I feel about the Dodgers. But this has nothing to do with the players themselves. It was all over the news the next day that they were allowing people to park in the lot with NO TICKETS. Apparently, they wait for scalpers or listen to the game on the radio while they tailgate. How droll.
So, after nearly two-hundred wasted dollars, the saddest and most pissed off I have ever seen my fiance, and the fact that we drove nearly eight hours all day for nothing, I will be firing off several emails to the Dodgers, the ticketing office, security and the like.
On a happier note, I won a ModCloth gift-card giveaway over at Lena B, Actually and it made my whole day! I quickly purchased an adorable dress covered in barbecues! I just want to thank her personally for being so rad and supportive of me and my blog. If you are not yet a reader of hers, you need to be! Not only is she beautiful, she's witty and REAL. You know I love ladies like that.
I have been working doubles all week training newbies, but this Saturday John and I will start our official hunt for our new place in Long Beach! YAY!
Happy Monday loves!
|Who doesn't love a good band poster filled with tits?|
|I know all MY beach parties look like a band of gypsies crashed it...how about you?|
|Brooks, just hold me. And then, shot gun some weed into my mouth.|
So we all know the story...great local band, hot-ass singer, they start to make it big...then all of a sudden what you thought was beautiful indie rock starts to sound like Incubus. Yuck. Such is not the case for The Growlers.
The band formed in Dana Point, California in 2006, then moved to Costa Mesa. The band consists of Brooks Nielsen (vocals), Matt Taylor (lead guitar), Scott Montoya (drums, formerly bass) Anthony Braun Perry (bass) and Kyle Straka (keyboards, guitar). Their first album, Are You in or Out, was released in 2009. Their second album, Hot Tropics, was out in 2010. The band's third album, Hung at Heart, was released January 22, 2013.
Their sound in unbelievable. The band is known for its heavy use of effects, including voice effects, especially reverb, and mixes the sound of the Californian rock of the late '60's, with a heavy load of psychedelia giving birth to what they call 'Beach Goth'. Being a "beach goth" myself, it was love at first listen.
Try not to die. Have a fabulous weekend! I will be at the Dodger/Red Sox game tonight, so GO SOX!!! I hope Brian Wilson is pitching so I can break up with him to his face instead of this ridiculous way he is ignoring my rude tweets.
2. I have an intense, compulsive need to smell paper money. At the end of every shift I have to sniff all my bills. It makes me feel good.
3. I graduated from Pepperdine with a bachelors in Political Science but I have no intention of ever using it. In fact I hated almost every minute I was in college, what minutes I didn't spend on heroin, mind you.
4. I am enthralled by Munchhausen by Proxy and tales of subsequent mommies and daddies who are slowly killing their children. No, I'm not creepy. Ok, I'm kinda creepy.
5. When we were in junior high, my friend's brother had some intestinal/colon thing where he needed this instrument to help him go poo. I remember being over there and her parents were going after him to go poo. He was screaming. I think about this moment almost every day.
6. I have a stuffed animal for ALMOST every real animal you can feasibly make a stuffed animal for. I love them all and I still have them all here in my closet.
7. I have had three boyfriends with the same first name. Their last names are also all streets in Long Beach. Weird.
8. Here's a fun one: my high-school boyfriend broke up with me for another girl, then follows me to college and we become heroin junkies (after he meets and sleeps with a 17 year old girl who starts selling him the heroin), ruins my life and I kick him out of our apartment. Five years later that same girl from high school goes into his work, they lock eyes, she leaves her husband and three children...
9. I love musicals. My favorite is the one I write about my own life...because I sing everything all day long.
10. I still read all the Newberry Award children's books every year.
11. Extreme Home Makeover makes me cry every time and I am not even trying to watch that shit.
12. I have never eaten at Arby's.
13. Ever since 5th grade, I have wanted to be Mexican and I am obsessed with all elements of the culture, food, slang...
14. I remember vividly the day Megan brought all her dad's pornograhy to San Marcos Elementary and we had a viewing under the huge trees on the border of the playground. I always thought about her Dad, driving that tiny Saab down the dirt road to her house wondering where all his magazines went...
15. I didn't have sex until I was 17. I got my period at 18.
16. I prefer Morrissey to the Smiths...and I hate when people ask me and then we have to do this whole faux intellectual debate over the validity of Johnny Marr.
17. I kissed a girl before I ever kissed a boy. And I mean kisssssssed.
18. I often think about that summer I went to Europe and when I came home this guy Matt had killed his mom...I thought they were talking about that weird guy John who shaved his eyebrows a la Marilyn Manson. He was hot. I thought, ooh if only John had killed his mom then I would try and sleep with him. Oh innocent rebellion!
19. I have extremely low bladder control. I just peed in my pants at WalMart 2 weeks ago.
20. When I can't sleep, I watch TV shows about forensic science and serial murder to relax.
|top: thrifted leggings and shoes: Target aquamarine pendant: vintage cuffs: Fifth and Mae glasses: ZenniOptical|
|Yeah, one's a fox and one is an arrow. Basically made for me.|
I first heard about Fifth and Mae from my pal Brin, who blogs over at Bold Butter Baby. She had a few pieces I loved, so when I went to their website I was in awe. Not only do they have a blogger discount, but NOTHING in the shop is over twenty bucks. RAD! I went crazy, buying two initial necklaces and these cuffs...and I'm not stopping there.
I don't know if y'all have been following the Nine Inch Nail's Instagram feed (@treznor) but I am dying a little on the inside. They have a new album...and they have a new tour. This is the band that changed me from an ASB-loving, Abercrombie and Fitch idiot, into the gnarly, take-no-shit bitch you see today.
One of my first concerts was NIN, with Marilyn Manson opening. Needless to say as soon as that was over my tongue was pierced and I could not get enough Manic Panic in my hair to save my life. Obviously, my mom was thrilled. I dropped all "joiner" activities, starting smoking pot and writing very dark, very BAD poetry.
I'm kind of stoked to see this resurgence of all of my favorite bands from my youth. I recently watched Later With Jools Holland, and Soundgarden was on, promoting their new LP. Ladies, Chris has grown his hair out again and I'm pretty sure he's still wearing the same holey black t-shirt from the Blackhole Sun video. I passed out. Between him and Trent, I'm not sure who has aged better. Oh shit, I forgot Eddie Vedder is still hotter than the both of them combined! Don't call me daughter.
|Yup, that's dirt.|
|sunnies: Betsey Johnson top: Old Navy shoes: Minnetonka jeans and tank: Target brooch: Swan Lake bracelet c/o:Pretty Lovely Littles|
|Tick, tock..the brooch is a cuckoo clock.|
|Isn't this precious? Please visit Pretty Lovely Littles, found on my sidebar!|
I got an AWESOME haircut from my girl Karla yesterday, and I am feeling pretty fierce. The grand reveal will have to wait for the weekend however, because John let me buy the dress of my dreams from ModCloth today...and I want to save the pictures for the grand occasion!
I am wearing a couple of adorable pieces from two new Etsy shops I have come to love. I adore it when sellers send me something free (who doesn't like free stuff???) and ask me to post/wear/review it, especially when it's as adorable as this bracelet. I was saddened however, when my friend from the shop asked me kindly not to say anything negative about it or criticize it on my blog, in case I didn't like it. I had to email her back and ask, "do people really do that?" Apparently, they do. I couldn't believe it. I can understand being critical of something you paid for...but a gift? Why can't we all just get along?
Big news on the home-front as well, in mid-September John and I will be relocating to the gorgeous, eclectic, artsy and rad...LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA! John's commute is getting out of control, and my patience with recent changes at my job has made me rather...snippy. It is also high time we give my sweet parents a break from the revolving door of adult children, and the sweet sounds of the barking of six dogs. I will keep you updated on all happenings...and of course the decoration of our new abode!
|dress: Ross bin o' goodness shoes: Target necklaces: Fifth and Mae|
|Kids, don't let your "friends" give you tattoos after you have been drinking and you just got the tattoo gun from a garage sale, okay?|
I saw a preview, which was more like a photo collage, for the new season starting in 2014. 2014?!?! I can't wait that long, so...I decided to channel my spirit animal, Ms. Dunham, in this dress. Lena always rocks dresses with sharp collars, and I have picked many a one up, and immediately set it down. For some reason that cut reminds me of a lesbian P.E. teacher. However, Ross killed it again, because as soon as I saw this beauty I knew she had to be mine.
Literally, I wear this bad boy EVERY SECOND. I'm wearing it now, as I type this. I swear. My other new favorite thing is my new jewelry from Fifth and Mae. I discovered this company through my friend Brin, and I could not have been more impressed. Not only do they have a discount for bloggers, but they are kind enough to communicate with you when say, something is out of stock...or will take a little longer due to acquisition. I got several things, but my two of my immediate favorites we're these beautiful white gold initial necklaces. I got one "J" and one "A", but now I want one for the names of all my pets. I'm not sure if looking like you're wearing a string of Alphabits cereal is cool or not, but I don't care.
I look forward to getting to meet my new stylist, Karla, today! I'm getting a haircut and a little more blond, and this chick is so rad...she makes house-calls. The fact that she loves Morrissey doesn't hurt either! I will be unveiling the new look very, very soon. In the meantime, Happy Monday!