By Allison for Allison: FIVE THINGS

So yesterday this cutie over at Fridge Grown Garlic, whose name also happens to be Allison, whom also happens to be from Northern California, and who oddly now lives here in Southern California (okay I know the coincidences are bizarre) tagged me in a post called Five Things.  I was really excited to work on this, as I love learning things about new people, and OF COURSE I love talking about myself, duh!

FIVE THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT ME:

I HAVE A VERY VIVID IMAGINATION

I have voices for all of my animals and I speak to both them, my family, and other people using said voices.  Each dog or cat has a certain accent, or words they have difficulty pronouncing (which is a trademark of my dog Chivo's speech), and they use these voices to ask for things, as well as speak to one another.  I have no problem narrating interactions between the animals, or giving them bizarre songs whose lyrical content is both nonsensical and annoying to those around.  This is mild in comparison to when I used to make fake report cards for my dog when I was in fifth grade.  He too had a voice, as well as a whole back story as to how he came to us from a dairy farm.  I "invented" an entire school that he "attended", as well as a family that he still "called" at the dairy farm all the time.

    I CANNOT EAT ANYTHING SPICY..EVER EVER EVER.

Unless I want to be sick for days on end, I cannot eat food with any level of spice in it at all.  That includes pico de gallo, Tapatio, cilantro, onions, spinach with garlic, garlic period, um...spicy mayo?  Hell no.  Pho?  Give me a break.  I have had "ulcers" since I was in ninth grade, I started getting stomach pains right around the time we started signing up for the PSAT.  I live on a steady diet of coffee, Pepsi, cheese, pasta, bread, candy and cheeseburgers.  I am healthy as a horse.

I HAVE A LOT OF "BOYFRIENDS"AND "GIRLFRIENDS"

This one is totally a joke, since I am happily engaged and will be married soon!  However, I do have a few "obsessions" that I become incredibly jealous of their girlfriends/wives/boyfriends, or LITERALLY will cry over something they have done.  I am obviously a thirteen year-old girl.  The BOYS AND GIRLS include but are not limited to: Mark Ballas, Maksim and Val Chmerkovskiy, Alexander Skarsgård, Jack White, Jake Shears, Zachary Quinto, Lena Dunham, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix, Michael McDonald, Huey Lewis, James Harden, Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin, Brian Wilson (formerly of the SF Giants), Brandon Belt, Sergio Romo, Mark Sanchez, Angel Pagan, Pablo Sandoval, all the members of the Strokes, all of the guys in the Growlers, Leslie Hall, Lady Gaga, Alison Mosshart, Jon Hamm, and of course, Justin Timberlake. Don't try talking to any of them, they are all mine.

  

I QUIT MY JOB OF SEVEN YEARS LAST NIGHT

 

Not much to really say about this yet.  I wrote my last day on a piece of paper and signed it last night.  I will not tolerate ignorance, unfairness, childishness or unappreciative assholes.  I'm going to work at an ever more standard chain restaurant, but I'll just be serving.  I'll be the best fucking server there, and guess what?  No one is going to to tell me their halibut tastes "fishy" or that our prices are "unreal."   My GM won't verbally abuse me and maybe she'll know how to spell my name immediately, instead of me having to correct her for almost six years.  Maybe I won't be accused of stealing gin or not dusting thoroughly enough, since over the years I've probably brought about half a million dollars of business into that shithole.  Good luck sinking ship, I wish you well guys.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN, IN FACT, I LOATHE THE IDEA

The idea of being a mother repulses me, and honestly, I have no business being one.  I would have to commit suicide if my child was molested, harmed, struck, saw a naked guy masturbating in a car, was born anything like me...and so on.  The sound of a baby crying makes my stomach turn, and the idea of "entertaining" a toddler sounds a lot like a proctorial exam.  I'm just not "mother" material.  I'm too self-absorbed, I'm already chubby, and I can't imagine being responsible for bringing someone else in to this world and having to explain to them about pain, obligation and unfairness...also the success of the Eagles as a band would be difficult to tackle as well.