The Asphalt Crew

Welcome to my lovely home.
One thing that blogging has taught me is that I am not "cool."  I mean, I already knew this to an extent, but man this place will put you on "The Asphalt Crew" faster than you can say "outfit post."  What's The Asphalt Crew, you ask?  Oh please, let me tell you.

The Asphalt Crew was so named due to the area of my high school, where certain kids hung out, and this area happened to be in front of the library, covered in...you guessed it, asphalt.  My high school cost something ridiculous like three million dollars to build (in 1994, that was a lot of money, kids) and we had a million places to chill and enjoy breaks.  These guys wanted the coldest, most sunless area available.  They also coveted the giant asphalt step, which formed a semi-circle around their camp.

They had no real "leader" but if I am going to say they were guided by a young gentleman named "Dave" who fancied doing random accents during class, and was known to wear a cape.  I think his dad was the Mayor.  I don't know, I just know his dad looked MORTIFIED every time he had to see Dave in our theater productions, and his exit always seemed rather...quick. 

Dave was a real chick magnet for the Asphalt Ladies, which seemed to be in a smaller population than the guys.  Go figure.  I remember one of his conquests was a very unique Jewish girl, who was wrought with guilt over her parents being displeased with dating outside her religion.  The only reason I know this was I was subject to her incessant wailing during fifth period English.  I guess Dave had the nerve to ask if her family ever put up a Christmas tree, "just for the season."  Yeah, you're toast Dave.  Or should I say matzoh?

Between Dramatic Dave, Matzoh Madness and a whole other cast of characters (literally), we who enjoyed the comforts of the quad were constantly entertained.  There was the time "Tad" decided to twist his body into the shape of a pretzel, and walk around during the middle of a rally held in the amphitheater.  The rally was to keep us drug-free.  I'm pretty sure he did about ten whippets before the assembly.  He was carted off like a war protester, surrounded by applause.

I had a lot more interaction with these folks than most.  Being borderline "Asphalt" myself, (my humor and sarcasm barely allowed my presence amongst the semi-popular crowd) I was sneaking off to the library a lot, to check out fiction.  They were always in my theater or drama workshops, annoying our teacher.  I could not make up the fact that one time I heard it announced by "Angela", a very clingy and over-sharing student, "My mom gets all the blackheads out of my ears using these,"  a la, Ralph Wigam.  She was holding a wad of bobby pins we needed for wigs.  I almost threw up.   

They were also in pretty much EVERY FUCKING PLAY, even if they had NO PART.  I would get irritated that when they didn't get cast, they wanted to be backstage, you know, "just to help out."  They wore all black on these nights, even though none of them were on sets, backstage or lighting.  It was almost like they expected one of us to go down, and if they were wearing just the correctly angled style of beret and black turtleneck, we would run to them like our savior.

I don't need to tell you that never happened.  

So, fast forward to now, where I basically am seeing this whole Asphalt Crew as a metaphor for my own life.  I recently decided to re-design my blog, and nothing has left me feeling more like a stranger in a strange land.  Originally I asked a "big-blogger" to do it, because I liked her work.  I can't get the "big blogger" to look at my blog, or even follow me on IG.  So how are they going to glean any kind of idea what the blog is about, let alone what I represent.  I mean, I know I don't represent much more than being a crass bitch but...I know I wont blow half my paycheck on someone who only emails me to ask about paying, but has no interest in getting to know me.  Like a loser, I even asked them to follow me on IG.  I tried to friend request them. Nope, too busy getting free clothes and then complaining that you have too many.

Other "big bloggers" have blown me off countless times, even when I just leave a comment on their blog, or send them a friendly email to say I am a fan.  I know these people are busy but it seems they can make time to respond and acknowledge other "big bloggers."  The best is when you buy something from them and they tell you they are "swamped" and it takes nine months.  LOVE THAT.  If someone was giving me free clothes, shoes, bags, used gerbil cages...shit I would be grateful for ANYTHING.  I might be "swamped" putting it all away, but puh-lease. 

I don't get it.  Maybe it's karma for all the hours spent staring at "Angela" picking her nose.

Do I need to blog about nail art?  Is it important for you to see the inside of my make-up bag?  Should I do an outfit post everyday?  Do you want me to review some concealer I got for free, but that you will never be able to afford?  Do you want me to show you how to make a peanut butter muffin with a mini-pumpkin pie inside?  Do you want to learn to make a felted cover for your iPad?  If you do, I can recommend a blog for you, TRUST ME.

I am proud to be a part of The Asphalt Crew of the blog world.  I don't want to be like anybody else.  I have found a designer that actually cares about ME.  Hell, we're even friends!  

I am now going to do ten whippets and then twist myself into a pretzel shape and roll around Downtown.  See ya there!  I'll be the one putting my fist through all the chalkboard art.    

 

 
 

21 comments:

  1. I would LOVE for you to show me how to make a peanut butter muffin with a mini-pumpkin pie inside. I will be boycotting your blog until you do this. Thanks. (Totally kidding, though that recipe sounds badass. Probably because I love pumpkin pie so much. Ooh! Make it a sweet potato muffin instead of a peanut butter one. Okay. Bye. <3)

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    1. The only muffin I am making is coming out of my jeans. And it's just the top.

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    2. This is hilarious! Love it! xxx

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    3. bahahaha! Allison...you are too funny! I lost your blog for a while after my rebrand and I started over on my bloglovin' feed. Refollowing you! I so appreciate your honesty in this post. You seem pretty stinkin cool to me!

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  2. Stop taking my thoughts! Maybe we can start a bitter old lady blogger club? I would be president.

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  3. I actually really want to know how to make a peanut butter muffin with a mini-pumpkin pie inside. p.s. you are amazing and I love you and seriously haters gone hate lovers gone love. And I, for one, love you!

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  4. I LOVE you and I love your posts. Keep em coming!

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    1. Miss you girl! You are awesome. I need to comment more on your blog, I am always reading. Bad blogger!!!

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  5. Not going to lie, the muffin does sound delicious.......
    BUT, much more to the point, you seriously shouldn't have to change to be loved - you are loved and uhm, I read every. single. post. like it's going out of style. Please don't change to creepy blogosphere trash!

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  6. I totally know what you mean about the "big bloggers". It really bugs me when I'm into a blog, following it dedicatedly, making an effort to connect, and that person is too preoccupied to engage with someone small-scale like myself. I think - everyone had to start somewhere, yes? Weren't those people, at some point, trying to build their own following? I just think it's blogger etiquette to respond to your readers, y'know?

    I've actually purged my blogroll lately of a lot of the ones I found too vacuous - too much nail art and so forth. I like CONTENT, and the opportunity to feel connected to that person! Feels refreshing to have trimmed that all away! :)

    M.

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  7. I will eat your muffin any day...

    that sounded SO naughty. HA!

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  8. I remember advertising on a specific big blog waaaaay back in the day (uh, a year or so ago) only to find that the person I saw on the blog was quite different than the rude and derogatory person who belittled and then changed my ad without permission and asked 'are you sure you think you're right for my blog because I think you're a bit *different* than what I usually put on my sidebar' Obviously, I wasn't happy about the situation and I never advertised with or promoted them ever again. We don't have to all be friends but you sure don't have to try to make an enemy out of me either! Sheesh.

    Even though I suck at emailing people back (I do...I really do) or commenting regularly, I love you and your blog. So there.

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  9. I love your blog and your honest posts that seem ti speak my mind! Thank you so much for this, sweet Allison! xxx

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  10. blogging has changed so much since when it first came about. I remembering blogging when blogger only allowed you to post these tiny, tiny pictures and there were like 3 template options! Back then blogging wasn't so clique-ish. That sucks you haven't had positive interactions with your favourite bloggers, I think maybe for some it's really hard to stay on top of emails.

    enjoyable post!

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  11. i stopped reading those blogs that ignored me after to many times of reaching out (except when i inquired about sponsoring and then it's all.... oh hi!). and it feels damn good lol. i'm glad i found your blog. i'm enjoying it :)

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  12. I am so stealing "You're matzoh".

    I know just what you mean about some of the "big bloggers" out there. I still follow a few but am perfectly happy to skim the post titles and mark all as read - thank god for feedly. I feel really lucky to have a core group of blog ladies that I feel really good about advertising with and where I always know my comments are read and possibly appreciated. I think anyone who blogs these days - and I definitely include you in this - has to be so brave. It ain't 1996 and I can make myself an Angelfire page full of Happy Noodle Boy quotes and pictures of Trent Reznor and no one gives a shit. xx

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  13. Wow. Just wow. I have to really appreciate posts like this. It's funny, because outside of the blogging world and community, A LOT of the rest of the world and popular media doesn't even know these so-called "big" bloggers. I have never heard of them until I started blogging and then reading other blogs. Not sure if blogging will reach the same popularity as movie stars or t.v. celebrities, but I doubt it. And one day we will all not be on this earth and none of these big blogger popularity statuses will even matter. -Jess L

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Thanks for reading! I love comments from anyone who isn't a CUNT.