My Top Five Ways to Lose Friends Quickly!

"Get away from me, bitch."

Yeah so, I was "watching" Hoda and Kathie-Lee talk about "getting rid of bad friends" on the Today Show the other day...yes I just said that.  In my own defense I was not really watching it, it just happened to be on while I was doing my ironing and it was Hoda's birthday and it seemed like more drinking would go on than usual and it could get interesting...anyway.

I honestly laughed at the segment because I thought, "Hey, this is totally me, since I've lost what FIVE good friends in the past year to ridiculous bullshit drama, or the fact that I don't have children, or maybe because I choose to tell the truth, or perhaps it was because some people have no understanding of addiction..." the list went on and on. 

So, I decided since I am so good at this, I'll help y'all out and tell you my secrets on how to lose friends and make people dislike you in five easy ways.  You'll thank me later.

5. Do drugs.

Listen, all this "addiction" stuff is just a bunch of bullshit.  If you want to lose a friend, merely relapse or pick up a new habit.  Friends can be very put-off and taken aback when you just "can't give it up" or "just STOP doing it."  It irritates friends to be there for you when you are really struggling with something, especially something they might not understand, so they have a tendency to balk and run.  Why shouldn't they?  The constant NEED for help and positive reinforcement is so annoying.

4. Think for yourself.

This can be very off-putting to friends who seek their identities within their significant other.    A lot of your friends have no way of navigating the world if their awesome boyfriend with no job and LOTS of opinions doesn't like you, and this can work in your favor.  Merely try to have a relationship where you make mistakes, ask something of them or take up their time.  If they sense the slightest bit of your "foul-able nature" they will not hesitate to send you a fucked up text message predominately authored by their man, in order to blow you off once and for all so they can spend all their time with said "man of my dreams."

3. Tell the truth.

This one REALLY bugs friends.  No one wants to hear that it's not a good idea to marry the guy that has been beating on you for the past five years, so why bring it up?  Try to talk as much as you can about things that matter, or concerns you have, and these friends will run like rats from a sinking ship.  Tell people when you have experienced something negative in hopes they will run away and befriend that mean person instead of you, it just makes sense.  Why be honest when being cool is so much more important?!?!

2. Make mistakes.

Everyone is perfect, or didn't you know that?  It is unacceptable to not think and act perfectly all the time.  If you throw all of your silly "insecurities" and "anxieties" to the side (which is SO easily done, puh-lease) you can be perfect, just like your friends.  The more time you take enjoying life, stumbling your way through adulthood, and not always making the best decisions will leave you stranded and alone in no time.

1. Be kind and thoughtful.

I can't think of anything more annoying than a thoughtful care package, a funny text or a good lunch with a friend.  Friends aren't interested in you buying gifts for them, or receiving crafts and goodies you've poured your heart into, so don't waste your time.  Do not ask about their life struggles or their children.  If you don't have children you can't possibly understand what that's like, so don't even try to comprehend.  Just stick to your silly job and your meaningless life, focusing only on what you need and want, and the rest of your friends will just fade away.

I hope this has helped you as much as it's helped me.